Closure
(This was written sometime ago. Due to my rather low respect for time (and therefore chronology), I am publishing this now.)
With your refusal to be a part of my life, you irrefutably became a part of it. It would have probably not mattered if you hadn’t refused. Because you said ‘No’ and I hadn’t felt that way for a long while, my grief came alive.
My grief took a shape, with legs. It became a real person and walked beside me everywhere. It followed me to places where grieving wasn’t allowed. To happy weddings. To beach parties. To cute nieces’ birthdays. Everywhere The Grief was with me. A part of me felt a sense of loss – no matter how happy all my other parts were.
And I wandered in the galaxy – intoxicated with disillusion. I started seeking out your presence, even with no real gratification attached to it.
One of those days, the Bangalore skies were grey and trees were swaying in wind. We sat on the 9th floor stairs and had two hot cups of lemon tea. We were talking about this and that. I suddenly giggled, I am like that you know, I remember old jokes and giggle aloud.
You asked me – “what happened why you giggling?”
I said – “I remembered an old xkcd strip joke.”
“What?”
“What is a Snapple?”
“It’s an apple juice drink thing?”
“No, it’s apple infused with Tin. Hehe”
“<Blank look>”
“Tin – Sn?”
Comprehension dawns on your face. You go on, now this is key to the story here, to say –
“People who create jokes like this should be beaten up. Thank God I don’t read xkcd.”
It is then, that exact moment, the spell broke. I was out of it, just like that.
A web-comic decided it for me. Also that whole thing about hurting me.
It was that simple.
what sort of a boy doesn’t appreciate xkcd eh?! Litmus test for me is coffee. Boy likes no coffee, me no like boy!
Beautifully written!
9th floor stairs?? and comics shall take over the world. After brandy that is
v! – this turned out to be an unexpected ‘test’ for me. I hadn’t known (before this happened) that I cared so much about such things.
smartassbride – thanks
Madan – 1. Optimus Prime 2. Comics 3. Brandy
I second v! ..what sort of boy (and girl) doesn’t like xkcd?
It really wasnt about the comic, it was something deeper – perhaps you didnt know what it was and xkcd seemed a convenient rationalization. Its really besides the point how you rationalize it though, the deeper truth is all that matters.
The grief was the attachment. Maybe you didnt try hard enough. How do you get over that ?
aguy – something deeper? perhaps. but it wasn’t a rationalization – I remember desperately seeking a rationale to get over, but it didn’t came along.
You are right about the grief being the attachment. And yes, I didn’t try hard enough. Now I can see that my sense of loss became vanity.